Adventures with Abe

Sabbatical

2007-01-04T13:16:00.000-05:00

Adventures with Abe is officially on a Hiatus.

Perhaps I should have decided that sometime in late October... regardless - go here instead.

All I want is what is what is coming to me... All I want is my fair share.

2006-10-12T10:39:00.000-04:00

When we worked at summer camp, Dominique and I used to supplement our extremely meager incomes (no really... it was a sweatshop on a lake) with articles of clothing and snack treats from the camp store right next to the Hut. My "bonuses" included various polar fleece items, a hat (with earflaps no less), at least one sweatshirt, numerous child size shirts, and enough Cherry Coke, Nestle Crunch Bars and m&m's to open a small store that only sells Cherry Coke, Nestle Crunch Bars and m&m's.

Abe was supposed to give me a bonus last month, but instead - I got a smaller increase in workload. Don' t ask me about it, I'll just get angry(-er). My purse is now filled with post-it's and nice pens. These Lincoln mugs are looking pretty nice - it would be nice to have a matching set. They don't have Cherry Coke here in the Client's Only fridge - but CocaCola Classic is a fine substitute when free.

My surroundings change, but I stay the same.

I can't let this go...

2006-10-06T13:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a while - I know. I think I'm getting a new job. No announcements until decisions have been made.

Anyways - a guy from my office who has questionable sexuality (and a wife who looks like maybe she was a he at one point...) came into my cubicle today. This is not relevant to the story - just try to hear it all in an oddly effeminate voice, and with every sentence ending with the word, "okay." I used to have small talk with him when I worked at the front desk, but honestly - that was my job then. Now my job is to put my head down and power through the loads of crap that come my way.

So there I was, head down, not even staring longingly towards the kitchen or exit, when he came and stood at the entrance of my cubicle. He said "You will probably get a kick out of this..."

Now - usually stories that start like that involve places I've been to (Seattle, Cancun), popular television shows I'm known to enjoy (The Office, Lost), or general interests.

"You will probably get a kick out of this, my son is in New York..."

OK, I used to go to New York a few times a month. Sure, it's a popular place with many sights and things to do. Even a lot of my favorite TV shows are based in New York (if you work in an office you know that TV, like Pope John Paul II, is the Great Unifier - look it up.)

"You will probably get a kick out of this, my son is in New York at a Star Trek auction."

WHAT?! No kicks here. None.

What did he see in me that made me think that I like Star Trek? I've never talked about it at work, ever. I'm too young to have ever really enjoyed it while it was on TV or in theaters and C'mon - I'm cool! (No offense JK...) Maybe his son is my age and all of his friends are Trekkies (Trekkers?). But this only solidifies the fact that I don't really know this man very well - why would he stop to talk to me about Star Trek - at length?

Apparently my eyes glazing over and me glancing towards the aforementioned kitchen and exits didn't register with him. He listed off almost everything that is up for auction and their ridiculous price tags. His son brought $1,000 and "probably won't even come home with a paperclip." Then I was regaled with stories about how you can bid at the auction, you can bid by phone OR on the internet! It's just like every other store in America, only you can't use credit cards. The worst part was that while sharing this "great" and "interesting" story, he was leaning on my cubicle wall. He was not just signifying that the story was going to be long, so he'd have to be comfortable - but also blocking my only exit.

Finally it was over, and I escaped to the ladies room. On my way I stopped to check my mail - today, consisting only of a Highlights magazine.

I'm a 4 year old trekkie.

e-news

2006-07-19T16:10:00.000-04:00

Bob is working from home today and the office is unbearably quiet. To top it all off, no one in the office thinks I'm funny.

To Microsoft Outlook! (note the quick response time)

From: Laura X
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 3:49 PM
To: Robert J
Subject: important news

Christie Brinkley’s husband Peter Cook, had an affair with an 18 year-old. I’m pretty sure she’s kicking herself for keeping the Total Gym™ at home for him in the rec room. Clearly, it worked better than she had anticipated.

In related news, Chuck Norris’s newfound devotion to Jesus won’t stop him from sending a prayer and a roundhouse kick to Cook. As the tattoo on his Norris’ enormous left calf states “If you mess with Brinkley, you’re messing with me.”

Smile!

Dorfmaca

__________________________________________________

From: Robert J.

Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 3:56 PM

To: Laura X

Subject: RE: important* news

Thanks for the update.

There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to Christie and Chuck. But are you sure that Chuck’s tattoo doesn’t refer to David Brinkley of NBC news fame. Chuck is a bona fide news junkie as evidenced by the socially conscious messages delivered via Walker, Texas Ranger.

Sorry I can’t do additional research now to contribute meaningfully to this dialogue. But I’ll keep my eyes peeled.

Brazilname

2006-06-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

Bob and I have been making Brazillian Soccer Names (Abe is Lincimo.) We probably played with it for 15 min straight this morning. We'd do everyone's name in all different combinations. For example - Bob calls me Flounder because of Dorfman in Animal House. So we did Laura K, Laura Laura, Laura Dorfman, Laura Flounder, Flounder Flounder, etc... a whole morning - gone to pot. It was fun and games until Bob's came up as "Bildo."

What's your Brazilian Soccer Name? My "real" one is Kingstinhosa Pau. Although Dorfman Dorfman translates to Dorfmaca. Bob says, "That one's a keeper - get it?? Keeper??"

No, I didn't die

2006-06-26T15:10:00.000-04:00

a. Ch-ch-ch-changes...
Since our heartless corporate buy-out of Jefferson Pilot, a few changes have been going on. Many offices around the country have been or will be closing shortly. Departments are being moved from one coast to the other. The new company motto is "hello, future." We got really nice Leed's pens that say so. Hello, future - do you have any money you could lend me now that I have no job? Hello, future - can I call you in 25 years when I'm ready to retire and my 401(k) is all muddled from buy-outs and company changes? OK good, we'll talk then. Also, the branches that have been going through the most change now, had icecream parties the week that they announced the merger. Mental note: if Abe Lincoln (or any dead president for that matter) offers you a #1 bar, run the other way!

b. The ex is gone.
I have mixed feelings about this one. Along with the aforementioned changes, we have (gasp!) new e-mail addresses. We are now officially firstname.lastname@lfg.com. Without the X, I think my electronic communication has lost some gusto. My boss still calles me Lex, which ads some whimsy to memos that I sign I guess. Oh impersonal place filler, I know we were only friends because my name was unconventional, but I will miss you all the same.

c. Junk mail of the month:

SanFrancisco? Flowers in hair.
Sheboygan? Lure in pocket.

Raining... Pouring... Snoring...

2006-06-02T14:33:00.000-04:00

Last night there were pretty extreme thunderstorms rolling through central Connecticut. When I got off the highway this morning, power was still out at the first intersection I encountered. That got my hopes up for a electricity-free (thus work-free) day. No such luck. Lincon soldiers on. We probably have a special generator in the basement that burns $1, $5, and $10 bills that our financial planners find pesky and worthless.

Today.

Things.

Are.

Slow.

It seems that around these parts, things are loud, bustling, and stressfull or in a coma. There is no in between.

Today, the most exciting thing I did was read an article about the last organ grinder (w/monkey) in the tri-state area. Thanks, Hartford Courant, you really know how to lighten up a dreary day. At least it is Friday and hopefully downtown Hartford will have something fun to offer me after work.

Enjoy your weekend!

Asian Pastimes

2006-05-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

Idol is over... so what's next?

Rx: Chill Pills

2006-05-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

Stress is contagious. It travels through the air like most diseases, but uniquely also can be spread via the telephone, e-mail, and many other media. When co-workers are stressed, your best method of communication is probably the fax machine, however office equipment has been known to elevate stress on it's own. I am a fan of the "drop-it-in-their-inbox-and-run-like-hell" method.

My perscription: Combine 2-3 Margaritas, 2 baskets of Chips & Salsa, sitcoms (preferably of the Must See TV variety), and (at least) 1 friend - use over a 2-3 hour period as needed.

Idol Chatter

2006-05-23T15:07:00.000-04:00

I don't remember if I have mentioned it before, but the American Idol culture is HUGE in our office. There are at least a dozen loyal viewers and a few more who have jumped on the band wagon when they weren't being included in the coffee machine conversations. ("The K-cup coffee machine is the new Water Cooler" - Laura X.)

Bob's e-thoughts on Randy Jackson:

Me: Randy Jackson was in Journey?!

Bob: Yes, Randy was in Journey. He was then known as Steve Perry. He also spent some time with Aerosmith as Joe Perry... Randy Jackson was also Perry Como.

Fold 'em, Stuff 'em, Stamp 'em, Send 'em...

2006-05-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

... the LFA way.

This is the beginning to my newest collaborative project. A powerpoint presentation with Sandra Liebl, which hopefully will make its way to the interweb somehow. If not, it still gives us something else to think about whilst wasting perfectly good spring sunshine inside in Windsor, CT.

I'm back, spring has sprung with creativity and also my boss will be away for the next few days.

I hope to stay.

Friday... what?

2006-03-31T09:02:00.000-05:00

Today is starting out to be a WONDERFUL day

I had the windows open & Pat Benetar blasting all the way to work

I got here a few minutes late - but 20min before H

I actually have a specific task to complete today, so it should go by quickly

Free lunch

Yesterday, H decided we were shutting down our office today at 2 on account of good weather.

Happy freakin' spring!

It's Official! (x2)

2006-03-30T11:59:00.000-05:00

Today I got not one nameplate but TWO!

One for my cubicle (which also has a plant) and one for my mailbox.

I have been wearing my mailbox label around as a nametag for about an hour now, and no one has noticed. Maybe I should wear a nametag with a different name everyday.

I hope the receptionist does not try to put the mail down my shirt. I will return my tag now.

Who Moved My Chocolate?

2006-03-29T10:49:00.000-05:00

There is a criminal at large here at Sagemark -

Compilations of witness statements, security camera footage, and tire track marks have been gathered, and we believe this is the man we are looking for:

He is wanted for pilfering chocolates and various sweet treats (caramel-filled is his favorite), public defication, not wearing a helmet, and making older women squeal, lift up their feet, and build barricades around their desks with trash bins. I can only assume he rides a motorcycle, seeing as the office is so large and the weather is warming up nicely outside.

He had been spotted on foot two weeks ago, and scurried into a cubby, a make-shift garage I'm sure. A pair of very small glasses has also been found (formed out of a large staple). Only a mouse of ill repute and a life of crime could afford to leave these behind, what with insurance rates for rodents being so high these days.

Last Thursday, I opened up my middle file drawer where I was keeping note pads and Hershey's Select chocolate box (a birthday present.) I noticed some extra brown spots on the pads, and instantly wondered if I had gone into an ambien induced eating nap and slopily left bits of chocolate in my drawer. Upon closer inspection, I discovered it was poop. Yes, mouse poop in my drawer intermingled with cardboard shavings from my very nibbled chocolate box inside of which, one caramel and peanut filled chocolate was heavily gnawed upon. After showing everyone in the office the gross (but also really cute... dee dee dee) tooth/paw marks in my chocolates, I threw out the box.

This morning, while looking for a note pad, I found some more feces. It seems that the culprit broke into my drawer once again, but upon finding that the goods were gone, he angrily pooped on everything in sight. A (very) small sketch of a mouse flicking me off was also found at the scene of the crime.

If this happens again, I will have to go to extreme measures, I'm afraid.

Consider this a warning, Mr. Mouse:

Old Dogs

2006-03-24T13:50:00.000-05:00

We used to have 2 copiers. They were old. One of them stopped working right a few weeks ago. Both copiers were fairly unreliable, they would get paper jams often but when one made freight train-esque noises while trying to copy, we knew it was time for a change. My old boss put a sign on it that said "This Copier is Not Well" with a big sad face. I was surprised at how many people moved the sign and had documents eaten by the copier.

We called in our usual repairman and he took one listen and said "no." Our office manager came out of her office to replace the first sign with one that said "RIP, The Copier, Over 1,000,000 Copies - You will be missed." Then we waited.

We waited for 3 weeks with one crappy copier and one very dead copier. Yesterday, our dreams came true. We received not one, but TWO new copiers. Color copiers that will also scan, fax, and print! Guess how happy everyone is...

... they're not. I think I can safely say that the amount of complaining yesterday and today is about equal to the day when the other copier was pulled out of commission. Personally, I love it. It does everything - the color is crystal clear, it can punch holes, collate, staple, enlarge, reduce.... Oh the shenanigans that are possible with this new piece of machinery are seemingly endless!! (I'm thinking life-sized posters of my co-workers, but I have no specific plans yet)

Because I'm literate, under 30, and not intimidated by a piece of office equipment, I've become the New Copier Tutor of the office. I had to walk about a half-dozen people through the process of copying yesterday and again today. It goes like this (in case you find yourself standing in front of a new Canon copier):

1- put what you want to copy in the top (conveniently EXACTLY the same place we used to put our originals on the old machines.)
2- press the big, round green button that says "start" (it looks a lot like the big, round green button that says "start" on our old copier, also on our current Canon fax machine...)
3- (and this is the tricky part, since it is the one new feature on normal copies) the copy comes out UNDERNEATH where you put the original.
4- unless you want to photocopy your face or middle finger for greeting cards with me, go away.
(I wish this woman really worked at my office.)

I won't apologize, I'll just explain why I'm so busy...

2006-03-13T10:58:00.000-05:00

I work for 3 planners:

H - He's the boss, gave me UCONN tickets to two men's games, and took Sheryl and me out to lunch on Friday. He is very nice, but can get very mad if things aren't going well. Overall, I like him.

S - She needs everything yesterday. She does everything at the last minute. She gets amazingly upset when practically everything goes (suprisingly) wrong while she tries to prepare RIGHT before seeing clients. Right now (4:15pm) I'm watching her prepare for this afternoon's 4 o'clock meeting.

E - He sucks. He is old (73?), rich, works part time, has a horrible wife, and does not understand computers. He has a really nice laptop - which he totes everywhere in a weird woman's bag. He uses it like a typewriter. He doesn't save any documents, he types letters and prints them out for me to retype and put on letterhead. He has a Blackberry - which he uses to check e-mail in the car, at the store, etc. (I don't want to think of all the places one could sit and read e-mail...) After reading my e-mails, instead of writing back, he'll call instantly to let me know he got it and offer no useful response. He has a Bluetooth cellphone earpiece - which he uses to yell into while walking all over the office.

Sheryl is also an assistant. I've known her forever, she's how I got a job here (all in all a good thing, although I complain...) She has 2 sons, 19 and 23. We ride to work together sometimes and answer the morning radio trivia questions, but never call in. We take long lunches when H isn't here, and oh the gossip! Also, she always has a season-appropriate snack treat on her desk next to the bowl of WintOgreen Lifesavers. This week: JollyRancher jelly beans. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking some up. They are so choice.

And the award goes to....

2006-02-22T13:02:00.000-05:00

Mary wins the award for the longest, most awkward run on sentence of the day that is worth recognition from peers, others, including readers of Adventures with Abe, and fans of Abraham Lincoln in general with this gem:

"I am seeking the names of estate planning attorneys that you have found good to work with in RI – specifically in the Charlestown, Warwick, South Kingston, Wakefield area of RI as I have some new clients who live in that area and are looking for someone very knowledgeable and good to work with."

Bring your baggage to work day

2006-02-21T08:55:00.000-05:00

Keith brought his baby to work today. Her name is Michayla and she is six and a half months old. She is very cute and on her own, I am a fan. I like how she is wearing pink, purple, and red because her dad dressed her and probably figured that all girly colors go together. I like how she wears socks on hear hands in cold weather, and how chubby her cheeks are. I do not, however, enjoy the flock of "ooh"-ing and "ahh"-ing 50-year old women who follow her around. A different woman scoops her up and makes one of two jokes. "Let's go to my computer and I'll teach you how to shop Neiman Marcus online" or "Until your hair comes in, you'll look just like your dad!" Over and Over and Over...

Apparently, school vacation = free pass to bring your annoying child to work. Now I like children. I used to work with them, I was a counselor, a (pseudo) teacher, and I still babysit often. While I was smooshed into a group of women who are certainly past their prime to have babies of their own, a shrill voice- more annoying than the rest piped up. "Who's baby is that?" The crowd parted to reveal a skinny 10 year-old boy. Turns out that he is Her Royal Highness' (of past infamy) grandson. Unlike his grandmother who refuses to learn anything new, he had approximately 300 questions for everything he saw.

"Grandma, where were you?"
"I was right here."
"Were you in this room?"
"Yes."
"So, you were in this room, while I was outside of this room?" [here I should note that although he is not Asian, he sounds a lot like Data from the Goonies]
"Yes, and I'm not sure why you left the office."
"I couldn't find you, where were you?"

He spoke to the new receptionist at length about how coffee is different from hot chocolate. He told almost everyone who went into the kitchen (where he was ultimately left with a plastic baggy of markers and a stack of paper) about the animal he "pretty much almost saw" outside of the window. They were leaving at 12:30 as I was coming back from lunch, I don't think the office could have handled much more of him.

New.

2006-02-07T16:01:00.000-05:00

Things that I have that are new:

Pencil Cup
"Doodad" Bowl
Letter Sorter
Pens (they came with Mike&Ike's)
Responsibilities
Accountability
Cubicle (new to me)
Direct dial phone line (new to me)
Lack of free time
Larger pay check (supposedly the paperwork is being processed...)

I like my new job so far. I haven't really been here long enough to do anything real. I am learning the "back of the office" gossip - which is fantastic in theory, but I haven't heard anything worth noting here yet.

This Just In

2006-01-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

Incessant complainer finds "lost" check in ridiculous stacks of paper on her desk. Young, new employee praised for correctly following procedure. New employee's ego boosted by constant thoughts of "I am SO much better than you in oh so many ways," and "I told you so!" Said incessant complainer (aka. bitch) must now follow the same rules as everyone else in the office.

The people rejoice.

Because you can't, you won't, and you don't... STOP!

2006-01-27T14:57:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm pretty sure that I'm being Sabotaged. Here's my evidence:

Tuesday, January 23rd 10am: I am accused of not bringing all of the Fed Ex packages down to the drop box, causing missed deadlines and general panicking.
My rebuttal: All but two of the packages were brought down - why would I have left two in the bin? And the two I "forgot" were in the middle of the pile. I'm not usually that choosy when grabbing a stack of packages that I could take the first few, move some aside, take the rest and then place the packages I left aside back in the bin. Also, after I had scooped up the packages, a coworker saw the empty bin and wanted to know if I had brought everything down, I said "not yet" and added hers to the pile in my arms. This also provides me with a witness of the empty bin.

Friday, January 27th 1pm: More accusations, from the SAME SOURCE, stating that I had lost a $20,000 check.
My rebuttal: As I explained earlier this week, our check logging system is pretty sound except a certain (accusation-friendly) woman in the office does not have to sign for her checks. Because she doesn't sign for them, apparently it is my responsibility when SHE looses track of a check because she "doesn't know what [I] did with the check after I copied it." I'll tell her exactly what I did. I followed the (albeit shoddy for her) procedure of placing it back with it's original paperwork and putting it in her mailbox. I'll also add that she has lost paperwork before. Also, due to the prior accusation, she was having a pretty panicky day, maybe her head wasn't in the game.

Friday, January 27th 2:30pm: Said accuser asks why I gave her all of the wrong mail. But not in a nice way, in a "Uh, didn't you mean to give this to Denise? (holding up a rather large stack of papers).
My rebuttal: The fact that she grabbed the wrong damn mail and after realizing it was all (yes ALL) for another person, instead of checking the mailboxes again, she came to my desk to bitch at me. HONESTLY, WTF?!

My biggest frustration is that no one else in the office has come to me with these issues. No one else has any reason to say that I'm not trustworthy. Why would I always make mistakes to her downfall? Why would I only lose her things? Christ, I am ready for a drink.

On a MUCH lighter note - My replacement is coming in on Monday to start a week of training with me, and I will start my new job on February 6th. (YESSSSSAAAH!) Which means a bigger paycheck, yet a bigger boat load of problems to sort out, I'm sure. But I'm more than ready for the change in scenery.

Also, might not have computer access next week - so be patient.

Are you new?

2006-01-25T15:59:00.000-05:00

The check policy at our office goes like this. Any checks that come in are photocopied by me. Whoever the check was intended for gets a photocopy, I keep the original. I record the information from the check (date I got it, check #, amount, etc.) in a Check Log. When the planners want their checks, they come to me to sign the log and take them. This has a few exceptions, if a planner (or anyone) gets a check made out to them, then they just get it - no red tape. If you are Ms. Hyde, for some reason, you are excluded from most rules of the office because of your persistant whining, and I take a copy but give you the original, Bitch.

This has been the procedure since I started. More accurately, this has been the procedure since August 18th, a date I reference in the "Hey, you've got a copy of a check. Come get it" e-mail I send.

There is a woman in our office (the one who was "glad that I had a boyfriend") who seems to look down on most things that others do. All of the administrative staff are "the little people" and she speaks to us in a different tone of voice. Me, especially, probably because I look like I'm twelve. She is so out of touch with everything that is not her clients that today, when she signed for a check (something she has her assistant do) she said to me "Oh, well I guess we have a new policy!" I didn't know what to say, so I just looked at her for a minute. She looked at me, eager to learn about the new changes in her surroundings. So I said "Well, no.... um, not since I've been here..." and pretended to be busy with filing crap. To which she responded with a gasp-laugh-sh "W-e-l-l..."

Later in the day I overheard her talking to another one of the assistants about hiring someone. Her Royal Highness had just hired another assistant- for marketing. The woman she was talking to had been working with the woman who gave me (and my family) a horrible cough and then quit about a month ago after working here for about a year.

HRH: Oh, well why are you looking for someone new?
Assistant: T really needs more than one assistant, I have been struggling for the last month by myself, I'm at wit's end.
HRH: What about that other nice lady... what was her name? [keep in mind they had worked together for a YEAR]. She had a problem with her face, right?
Assistant: Um, Diana? [Who was neither overtly nice, nor ladylike] She had an allergic reaction to something she ate I guess. Oh, she went back to her previous job at the end of December.
HRH: Huh. I thought she was out sick.

Out sick? Since 2005? The fact that she doesn't know how to use the fax, copy, or postage machine has now been explained. Get your head out of the clouds!

Town of Chevy Chase

2006-01-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

I received mail postmarked here and thought it was a joke.

Annual Kick-off Meeting...

2006-01-20T15:31:00.000-05:00

Drunk by 2.

Bowling at 3:30.

Happy Friday!!

I speak for the trees?

2006-01-18T15:34:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I shared (complained about) the fact that my middle name is now X. Lincoln assigned me a phantom middle initial because in reality, I have none.

There was a Laura already working here in the office when I arrived. Apparently, to my luck, Sagemark hadn't realized that their Laura Quota was already full. (Sagemark should also rethink their Peter, Ed, and Sue Quotas because more than 2 of each is getting re-Goddamn-diculous.) I digress... To distinguish myself from Other Laura who is sometimes referred to by her "friends" as The Ugly Laura, Dumb Laura, Old Laura, etc. (which is cruel, but funny), I have been referring to myself as "Laura X." It's fun, it sounds sneaky, and I like signing things LXK - not to mention the badass persona it conveys.

It was not until I scribbled a "LauraX" at the bottom of a Post-It today that I realized the uncanny resemblance to this guy:

Aww... MAN! Now I will be associated with this tree-hugging, granola-eating, certainly never-showering mustachioed Lorax.

Meanwhile, I made approximately 34,543,490 copies today, threw out 904,218 envelopes that said "Reduce paper pile-up! Request on-line statements!" and recycled NOTHING.

WPD Blue

2006-01-17T16:38:00.000-05:00

a. I apologize for the huge lapse in coverage. I have been (sometimes literally) buried in statements: weekly, monthly, quarterly... You name it. I copy it, distribute, and file it.

b. Word on the street is that I have a new job. That street is covered in truth. I have gotten a promotion of sorts, I'll be moving into the back of the office (yessss) to assist a small group of planners. This means I can:

listen to whatever music/cd's I want
maybe take an hour lunch
be flexible with my work hours
leave at 3 or 4 on Fridays
maybe have an inappropriate wallpaper on my PC

c. Windsor 911 called me on Friday. They said that someone was calling repeatedly from our phone number and then just hanging up. I said that I would walk around to make sure no one was on the floor. The woman was not amused. I hung up with her and did walk around - I told other people what I was looking for. Everyone else laughed (take THAT, Mean Operator, I am funny even in inappropriate situations). Not long after my safety lap, a police officer stopped by. I told him that I had walked around made sure no phones were off the hook or dialing weird things. I told him that my hypothesis was that someone had dialed "9-1-1-then a number" instead of "9-1-number" on the fax machine, and because someone was picking up at their end, the fax kept restarting. He looked skeptical. Then I told him he could take a look around if he wanted. I guess I didn't look like I was hiding a body under my desk, because he left.

After the police stopped by, I took it upon myself to interrogate people in the office. I asked two of the planners with senses of humor -in a very serious tone- if they had been dialing 9-1-1 from their cubicles to get attention. Bob instantly confessed to dialing 9-1-1 by accident from his cell phone instead of 4-1-1 last week. "How did you know? I think I hung up before the call connected. Even if it did, they can't find me. I was driving." Eric on the other hand dismissed my accusation immediately. I was worried that he took offense until he said, while leaning in, "Who's the FREAK!?" We agreed it was probably Bob.

I heard nothing else from the authorities and/or local news media, so I guess everything turned out for the best after we left for the weekend.

Liar, liar - pants ablaze.

2006-01-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

So today is the day when they test the fire alarms. The building manager came in and warned me that the alarms would go of 2 - 3 times in the next half hour. ASPA, I told my boss who then sent a voice mail to everyone in the office, telling them not to evacuate/panic. She should have also mentioned that they shouldn't be babies about it.

The first time the alarm went off, about 5 minutes after the voice mail was left, I took a walk through the office, assuming that no one had gotten the voice mail. Only one guy got up to leave. I told him it was just a test, he went back to his cubicle, although he didn't look convinced. Why would I make something like that up? At least he almost believed me.

There was a training session going on, and I knew they hadn't gotten the message, so I waited outside the door for people to come rushing out in panic, or just calmly walking out, or to acknowledge the fact that there was an alarm sounding. Nothing. It was not until the third time the alarm went off that they all came rushing by my desk. I told them it was just a test, and they looked annoyed. I hope that they had assumed it all along and not just wanted to get through one more thing on the agenda before evacuating. I offered to bring in coffees, they weren't interested.

Three people left the building. Not from fear, from the lack of ability to suck it up. One, upon leaving, grumbled "this is absolutely ridiculous." Personally, I'd rather hear a loud buzz in 3 minute bursts once a month then be burnt to a crisp. But that's just me.

I do prefer the leaving to the people who sat at their desks trying to plug their ears while performing office tasks. In order to do anything, one must either plug one ear with your hand and the other by putting your ear on your shoulder, or you need to utilize your elbows as hands. It's amusing to watch, but oh so unproductive. You're probably better off going to Starbucks.

I am 16, going on 17...

2006-01-05T09:17:00.001-05:00

No rash. But I have a sore throat. How in the hell?

Also, Ms. Hyde will not be at work tomorrow. Guess why, no guess...

Well, it's not related to planning her daughter's wedding. Her poor mislead daughter, who thought that getting engaged would get her mother OFF her back, gets called 2-3 times daily with wedding suggestions/ideas.

It's not to buy a new mug - hers miraculously resurfaced.

It's not to make ANOTHER angry sign (I don't remember if I shared the strongly-worded note plastered all over the building threatening the person who was stealing our Hartford Courant.)

........drumroll........

She's getting her braces off!!!

I would buy her gum and taffy, but I'm sure that would blow up in my face somehow creating a sticky mess.

ASPA!

2006-01-04T14:24:00.000-05:00

So - after a 4.5 day weekend, I'm wrapping up my first day at Lincoln in 2006. This year has been going pretty well so far. It was "too snowy to drive" yesterday, so my driving partner and I (she's a gem) decided to stay home, and just come in early for a while to make up the time.

Today I realized that the way to make my days here go faster is to let the work pile up. We closed the office at 2 on Friday (sweet!) and I missed yesterday so I actually had things to do today. I even had to make a To-Do list!

One of the things I had to get to today was to sort through a whole pile of "Postage Due" statements from the post office. Usually I get one or two per day, hand delivered by the mail-person, but this month - for some reason - we got a whole stack in the mail on December 30th. I had to sort through them all and assign the postage to specific people's accounts blah blah blah... but when I got to the last one, it had a sticky note that said "Please Pay ASPA!" I love it.

Events that are unfolding:

#1. A woman who just quit left work today with a ridiculous rash. Last time she was sick, it was a cough and I caught it. I hope that my skin stays safe.

#2. I am working on setting up a primary care physician for myself (since I haven't had a doctor since I was 17.) In related news, I hope that 5 year-old medical records will be suitable to be transfer to the new lady.

Hypothetically Speaking

2005-12-28T15:50:00.000-05:00

You should not get angry at a receptionist for "giving you the runaround" when she has to transfer your call. You should be thinking about why your financial planner did not give you the number for his/her direct line.

You should also accept the fact that you'll have to leave a voicemail sometimes. No, we will not "page" anyone.

Good day.

Upgrade or Downgrade?

2005-12-21T16:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the holiday party at my office -not to be confused with the holiday party at our managing prinicpal's home on Friday. Yesterday our party was just for the admin. staff (no boys allowed). The party started with some VERY strong margaritas (at 2pm, mind you...) and ended with a Yankee Swap of sorts. The $6-8 gift that I purchased was a set of 3 tall, narrow bottles of fancy olive oils and vinegar for cooking/looking nice. The gift that I recieved was two bars of soap that look remarkably like rocks:

Did I benefit from this trade? You be the judge. Keep in mind that they REALLY look like real rocks!!

Vital Information

2005-12-16T08:23:00.000-05:00

Much like Lori Beth Denberg, my Google homepage gives me a few helpful hints everyday. This one seems pretty relavent to the season:

How to Write a Fruitcake Joke - eHow.com

Good News Thursday

2005-12-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

The tree is still standing. It's a Christmas miracle!

Also... with impending icy/snowy/rainy/crappy weather on the horizon, I'm looking at a "Good News Sleep-in Friday."

Oh, Christmas Tree...

2005-12-14T15:17:00.000-05:00

Today I added "assemble and decorate Christmas tree" to my list of official duties as Office Facilitator. Yes, I have a list.

I took a few CameraPhone pictures to document the events, but my descretionary use of the camera left out some crucial details. I'll try to fill in as necessary so you get the full effect of my 2 day ordeal with The Tree.

Step 1: Reminded boss 4-6 times that she said she'd "drag out the tree" for me to decorate.

Step 2: Ignored large boxes in lobby labeled "Christmas Tree" and "X-mas" for at least two days. (I had to look really busy during these days and I got more papercuts, however- it was worth it.)

Step 3: Piled poorly labeled tree branches into stacks of similar sizes. Color coding that is 5+ years old is difficult to decipher. I was surprised at this point to learn that fake trees shed as much as real ones, and are just as itchy to deal with.

Setp 4: Put the center pole into the "tree stand" and started adding branches. I did this twice incorrectly. First I had the whole center pole upside down and the branches were really wobbly. After righting the pole, I still managed to arrange the branches so that they were getting wider towards the top instead of narrower. Finally, I got it right, just in time for lunch. It looked like this for the rest of the day:

"That tree looks really sad so many ways" -Ed the Lawyer

Step 5: Because I was snowed into my house on Friday and have no paid time off until January, I have 8 hours to make up before the end of the year. Awesome. I used one of those hours to mess with the tree after work. In this hour I managed to fluff it a little, add some lights, put on a tree skirt (not on me, on the tree), set up some cutie stuffed animals in leiu of gifts, and break the tree stand. The tree fell over at least 5 times in one hour. No one was in the office except for one man making phone calls in the conference room while watching me fight with the tree. Thanks, Wes, you're a big help. I left the tree precariously balanced with fake needles stuck in my sweater and hair.

Step 6: I found the tree lying on its side this morning. The tree skirt was all desheveled and the stuffed snowman and teddybear elf were trapped underneath. It was horrific. Too shocking to capture on film.

Step 7: I took off the tree stand and "mended" it with the best Sagemark has to offer. Cheap Staples packing tape. Stood the tree up again, leaving the rest of the crime scene untouched. "Did you get frustrated and throw the stuffed animals at the tree?" -Jeanne, one of my bosses. She was closer to the truth than she knew...

Step 8: I used every single ornament and bow from the box marked "X-Mas." Perhaps I should have been wary when I opened it and the inside flap had been previously labeled "Trash." The huge white blob at the top is actually a ridiculously enormous bow made of pearescent white ribbon. How could I say no?

"Wow, we really pulled out all the stops. I thought I was at Macy's for a second!" -My other boss, very sarcastically...

All in all I think I spent 3 hours on the tree (not counting the ignoring stage of Step 2). I'm super excited to get to take it down again, pack it up, and pretend that I didn't break it in 2 weeks.

Happy Holidays from Lincoln Financial/Sagemark!

Mail Time

2005-12-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

This is the best e-mail interaction I've had so far at my illustrious career at Lincoln:

From: Laura X.*
Sent: Thu 12/8/2005 9:35 AM
To: Robert
Subject: UPS

Hi Bob,

You received a package this morning from FansEdge (jerseys perhaps?!) It is on the table in the mailroom. Please pick it up when you have the chance.

Thanks,
Laura

From: Robert
Sent: Thursday, December 08, 2005 10:31 AM
To: Laura X.
Subject: RE: UPS

Wohoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------

The best part is that we use Outlook for our company e-mail, so while I was on the phone the body of the message showed up in the form of a little pop-up by the toolbar. Priceless.

*This is not some sort of sneaky way to hide my identity. I don't have a middle name and Lincoln gave me an X. Thanks Abe, but next time maybe an underscore or nothing at all.

courant.com | Hoax Case Turned On Court Docket

2005-12-07T14:21:00.000-05:00

Picture this:

I'm in the lunchroom/kitchennette, I'm about to take another bite of my Reuben sandwhich and I start crying. Why? Because I was laughing. Why? Because of the first two paragraphs of this story from the Hartford Courant by Hilda Munoz, and Roberto Gonzalez (Courant Staff Writers.) I tried to read about Lieberman's new 'War Cabinet' but I just couldn't get into it. This one had me at "Hoax":

"Javier Rodriguez didn't want to drive to Superior Court in Danielson last Friday morning - his driver's license had been suspended. And he had already been convicted five times of failing to appear in court.

So instead of risking another arrest, he told police, he called in a series of bomb threats."

WHAT?! That's AWESOME. Roberto and Hilda used such great comedic timing in this front page piece that they deserve Dundees. The article goes on (if you really feel that you need to learn more about this case, although I think we all know how it ends) to say:

"Now Rodriguez, who was originally pulled over because of a problem with his
license plate, faces 81 years behind bars."

Because of this man's tactful procrastination technique, all (not just the 4 he called with threats) of the courthouses in the state of Connecticut were evcacuated and closed on Friday.
I'm wondering what kind of regretful, foot-in-mouth, "If I Could Turn Back Time" moments come up while being heald for $250,000 bail.

"Rodriguez, of 109 Union St., Willimantic, is charged with four counts each of terrorism, first-degree threatening, falsely reporting an incident and second-degree harassment. He is charged with a single count of criminal attempt to commit larceny by extortion, for allegedly demanding $1.5 million during one of the calls."

... because when you realize that you'll be needing to flee the country in a few hours, it's nice to have a little spending cash.

Trumped

2005-12-05T16:08:00.000-05:00

We have a company-wide hard drive with individual folders. Sometimes people just save things without putting it in their own folder. This gives me licence to snoop and read all files of interest.

I stumbled upon this gem:

November 4, 2005

Mr. Donald Trump
The Trump Group
200 West 57th Street
New York, NY 10019

Dear Mr. Trump:

I have been an admirer of yours since I stopped playing with dolls and started paying attention to successful businesses and their leaders. As a course of natural events I have become an avid devotee of The Apprentice.

And now the other shoe drops – last night’s show has left me not only with a very bad taste in my mouth but also with great disappointment. There is no question that you should have fired not only Markus but Josh as well. What a disgraceful performance. It’s hard to separate which of his statements were more offensive and certainly his
antiSemitic remark left no doubt he should be dismissed. I’m sure some of his best friends are …. – fill in the blank.
I couldn’t ignore my frustration and only hope that next week we will see Josh fall on his face once again leaving you absolutely no choice.

Sincerely,
[Ms. Hyde]

I have no words.

Name That Tune

2005-12-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

I wish that there were a service that you could call anytime and hum the song that's stuck in your head.
They would tell you the title, artist, movie, musical, tv show or video game soundtrack that its from.
Then you could listen to it in its entirety at least once to maybe, just maybe, get it unstuck.

... patent pending ...

Picture Perfect

2005-12-02T14:25:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know how I can put a picture of Abe on my blog, but not have it be my profile picture? As much as I love posting other blogs as the 12th president (the BEST president) I'd like to let my true colors shine through.

Thanks.

ouch.

2005-12-02T13:42:00.000-05:00

Alright, I really didn't want to involve my personal life in my Lincoln blog, but I just can't help it. I went to the gym last night and my personal trainer KILLED me. I'll add here that I have 5 free sessions with a trainer that came with my membership, I'm neither rich nor motivated enough to spend my hard earned Lincoln money on not getting fat. Lord knows I simply control my weight with the fact that I can't really afford food.

So - the gym thing is unavoidable today because I hurt so much. I can't sit down, stand up, cross my legs, sit still, or breathe without wincing. It's pretty sexy. I can't really lament to anyone at the office about it either. In this crazy self-conscious time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it's impossible for a "skinny minny" (oh I HATE being called skinny) like me to join in the snack-treat indulging without a dirty look from a frumpy/portly/floppy co-worker. Me eating a brownie is not making you fat. You standing next to me is not making you fat. You taking 3 brownies back to your desk for your mid-mid-morning snack is making you fat. If I do bring up the gym, I get inundated with excuses. "Oh before I had kids, I would work out all the time..." "If I didn’t stay at work so long..." People, I don't care - y'all look great (when not stuffing yourselves with sweet potato pie - which was delicious by the way) so just make conversation with me without guilting either of us. Also, if I hear "Oh well I used to go to Curves..." one more time, in any situation work, or otherwise, I may explode. Everyone used to go to Curves, but you all still pay for it in hopes that you'll go back. Oh, but you wont. You won't. (D$, sorry to even bring up the C-word...)

thumbs down.

2005-12-01T16:23:00.000-05:00

The damn post that I just wrote for 10 min is GONE. Oh Bill Gates... I hate you and your confusing way of opening pop-up windows in other open windows of Explorer.

boo.

*** update: the post was always there. no, really - i think i should look into anger management***

I was gone for a minute...

2005-12-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

... But now I'm home.

Alright - due to unforeseen circumstances, I haven't been writing.

Sorry.

Moving on, to catch y'all up I wasn't here Monday or last Friday; within this time, the office nearly ran out of paper. (Just gasp, you know you want to.) People asked me all day Tuesday when the new paper was coming. I said, "Well, Morons, since you didn't order any yourself, probably not today. " or I said "I put in a rush order at 8 this morning, hopefully it will be here tomorrow." Responses:

-"Well I HOPE so..."
-"But there's some coming today right?"
-"Oh, thank you!*"

*this was never said

The paper came at 8:30 Wednesday morning. Happy ending, right? These are the things that made me mad (keep in mind I've been super irritable for the past few weeks, so pretty much everyone who talks to me makes me mad) regardless...

-There were 3 reams of paper (15 HUNDRED sheets) in the office when we closed on Tuesday. (This means the people who "couldn't find any paper" and those who "looked ALL over for paper" are liars with pants ablaze.)
- No one made any copies until about 2pm on Tuesday at the copier near my desk. Granted someone could have made 1500 proposals at the other copier, but I doubt it).
- At 2, one woman said -and this really got me- Oh thank goodness the paper's finally here. FINALLY? LADY, some of us come into the office before 10 and get shit done. Maybe a thank you...

wow. After reading what ridiculous things piss me off, I'm thinking I should switch to decaf, but then I'd be pissy and tired, which wouldn't be good for business. It wouldn't be good for anybody.

Notable Conversations

2005-11-21T13:09:00.000-05:00

Thursday
Me: "Hey Bob, where have you been" -at this point he is calling on his cell phone, he has already missed one meeting with a client.
Bob: "I've been at my daughter's school all morning, she got in some trouble today."
Me: "So, are you on your way to the office?"
Bob: "Well - I'd much rather stay here with all the high school girls..."

----------later that day-----------

Person in the lunchroom: "Bob, I hear your daughter had some trouble at school today, what happened?"

Bob: "She allegedly said something. Now, I don't think she said it. If she did say it, then it was very inappropriate and she deserves this suspension. However, if she did say it, then it was accurate."

Friday

Martha: "I'm on my way out... Any big plans for this weekend?"

Me: "I'm spending the weekend in New York"

Martha: "OOoooh THAT sounds fun! Whereabouts?"

Me: "Well, my boyfriend lives in Brooklyn, that's why I'm going."

Martha: "Oh... I'm SO glad you have a boyfriend"

Me: "Me too."

Approx. 3,544,783

2005-11-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

That’s how many papercuts I have. I literally get at LEAST one new one every day, if not two or three. As if I didn’t love copying and filing hundreds of account statements enough already. The worst ones are between my fingers, you know this. Once I’ve got one (or two) there, no matter what I do with my hands it will sting. I used to love pickles….

Somehow I have one on the inside of my wrist today. I don’t remember trying to kill myself; however that seems like something I’d try to block out.

OK – I said the worst ones are between my fingers, but now I’ve reconsidered.
If…
-I get a papercut,
-don’t feel it right away,
-bleed EVERYWHERE,
-notice it,
-once noticed it hurts,
-like hell
-clean up aforementioned blood from everywhere.

That is the worst.

Chotchki Update

2005-11-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

I now have a compass from a company that states that it will “point you in the right direction for your growing heathcare needs.”

3rd Grade Humor II

2005-11-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

People on staff:

Gassman
Wang

Top of the mornin'

2005-11-15T09:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I couldn't post. I was (get this) too busy. Mostly it was all of the mail from the "three-day-weekend" that was slowing me down. 2 things:

1. I work for financial advisors and consultants, these people work for banks and other lending companies. These companies want to get their hands on all of the money that CT has to offer (which after living here for 23 years, I've yet to see any of. Martha Stewart seems to be hoarding most of it.) In order to get the money into their accounts, the lending companies offer commissions to the financial planners, advertising material, and loads of chotchki's. For example, I have a rubber duck wearing a graduation cap and holding a diploma on my desk from AIM Investments. College funds CAN be whimsical.

Yesterday, in addition to my ridiculous mail load, every planner and some additional staff received a small box. In it was confetti, a card that said "Is your broker dealer on TOP of its game?" and, you guessed it, a top. It lights up when you spin it. Brilliant. Mug lady got one too. She was looking through her stacks of mail and saw the box. She said (quite pointedly) "What the heck is this?" -she really said "heck," as soon as she swears at me I'll have extensive words for her, which in reality will just end up here. So, anyways, I answer with "It's a top!" I smiled; everyone else had been amused by the tops so far. A few people had stolen a few for their children and I could hear them spinning on desks. Dr. Jekyll says "One that spins?" "Yes," I say sheepishly, expecting the impending explosion. "UGH!" yells Ms. Hyde as she throws it (THROWS. IT.) straight into the garbage can. I had/still have no words. She is officially the opposite of fun, happiness, and all that is good.

2. Why title my blog "Adventures with Abe?" Why not "Stinkin' Lincoln," or "Facilitate This!"? Well, because in my early explorations of my company's website I stumbled upon some gems. One might wonder where I got a color photo of Abe for my profile. That, my friends, is just the start. Abe is a man of adventure, he's not afraid to mingle with the common man at work, in leisure, or assisting in daily activities. I'll offer you a little teaser of what is to come:

"No, Former President Lincoln, it says here that you're dead. Like really dead. But I think everyone enjoys your hat. Why are you guys taking notes?"

11/11

2005-11-11T13:24:00.000-05:00

"[Abraham Lincoln] served as a captain in a company of the Illinois militia drawn from New Salem during the Black Hawk War, although he never saw combat. "
-From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Moral of the story: Abe was a veteran and I shouldn’t have to work today.

The Mug

2005-11-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

There is a woman here who will remain nameless. I was warned by the family friend who got me this job that she has a Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde persona that everyone loves OH so much. Said woman has been described as “difficult” and also “ridiculous.”

She is an assistant to a financial planner. She is not anyone’s boss, however Everyone must answer to Ms. Hyde. She lives above all of the rules, but makes up her own guidelines which everyone must follow. Also, she’s a complainer, which is where the Jekyl/Hyde comes in. She can be ok and almost nice sometimes, but all other times she’s Debbie Downer to a T. It’s incredible, really. And what I’ve heard from others is that she used to be worse…

She has a mug. It is large – I’d say 16 oz. – it’s the same size as a narrow travel mug. It is ceramic; purple with flowers. I’ll admit it; it’s a nice mug.

One morning last week, we came into the office to hear her whining more than usual. She was mumbling (the LOUDEST mumble I’ve ever been in contact with) things like, “I can’t believe it happened again!” “Why would someone do that?” Now, at this point, I didn’t know what she was referring to, however I could pretty much answer the “why” question using a description of her character alone.

I felt bad (this was when I was still really new and trying to make friends.) And then, I saw this in the kitchen:

(Oh CameraPhone, I love you.)

Stealing a mug, especially a purple one is right up my alley, no lie. But this time it was NOT me. And honestly, if people had known me at the time, it would have been harder to prove my innocence. Luckily I was the new girl and I got to sit back and watch. I can only hope that she reacts so phenomenally over small inconveniences in the future.

As far as I know, the mug was never recovered. I have a few hypotheses. I’ve seen a tall flower mug on her desk, perhaps a replacement, or she herself misplaced it, found it, and brought it back to work quietly. It will forever be a mystery...

… because Lord knows I won’t be making small talk to find out what happened to her anytime soon.

3rd grade humor

2005-11-10T10:49:00.000-05:00

These are some of our clients’ names that make me giggle. This list will be updated constantly, I hope.

Nimrod
Weiner
Horr
Durr

Good morning!

2005-11-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

"Good Morning, Sagemark Consulting, Lincoln Financial Advisors..." is how I answer the phone (before lunch - after lunch I throw in a 'Good Afternoon')

This is my life.

I file -extesively
I order stuff from Staples
I sign for and send FedEx, DHL, FedEx Ground, UPS packages
I observe everyone else

Quick run down:
Sagemark Consulting - a Member of Lincoln Financial Group
Our office: approx. 45 employees consisting of a core Admin. staff (me and 2 others - both female and my bosses), one branch manager, 30 Financial Planners (5 female, 25 male) who are contracted by Lincoln (somehow not Lincoln Employees... this is where it gets tricky) and their assistants (all female). ALL over 35 years old, a majority over 45. I'm 23.

I have worked here for 4 weeks. I have recieved 2 paychecks. I will have benefits for the first time since college starting on December 17th. I am counting the days.

I was out of work for a months of June and September of 2005... no matter how much I whine about things here please note,I am NOT complaining/ungrateful/taking this job for granted*.

(*This is really just to remind myself to quit ma bitchin')